Every year, upon the feast of Stephen, King Arthur would ride out alone upon a quest. For all that he was the king, it was still necessary that he risk his life every now and then, to maintain the respect of his knights (not to mention his self-respect). Soon along the road, he was railed at by a churl, and pursuing the knave, he found himself in an enchanted wood where he was ambushed and imprisoned. The sorcerer (who had planned the whole thing) would accept no ransom, but this: If Arthur could answer one simple riddle within a year's time, his life would be spared. If not....
The riddle was this: What does every woman want?
Well, Arthur knew, as well as you, gentle reader, that this question has plagued lovesick philosophers for centuries. His heart sank, but he began his search for the answer. He asked everyone, from castle to farm, from Queen to dairymaid, from Merlin to Mac, the single-witted stable boy. He heard many answers, such as 'cheesecake', 'sensible shoes', or 'Sir Lancelot', but none rang true.
On the final day, as he riding back to the sorcerer to face his destiny, he came upon a hideous old witch, hunchbacked and toothless, rancid and speckled with liver spots. She accosted him, declaring that she knew the answer for which he sought, and would provide it for a price. He agreed, in desperation, not even considering what the price might be (as they often do in these stories). She then revealed that what every woman wants is 'Her own way'. Arthur felt like he had been struck with the lightening of enlightenment (as may you, noble reader) and rode off to settle accounts with the sorcerer, not giving another thought to the old hag.
Until the next day, when she came bursting into Court declaring that she must marry one of Arthur's Knights of the Round Table. Arthur was sorely grieved, for he had promised, and he could not do the deed himself, for (as you know, clever reader) he was quite happily married to the faithful Guinevere. Several knights fainted and many disqualified themselves on account of a 'recent engagement'. However, Sir Gawain, the noblest of knights, (Sir Lancelot, excepted) at last consented to make this great sacrifice for his King.
The wedding feast went much as might be expected. Gawain was resigned, but courteous. The old witch had a grand time, belching and farting and making everyone generally uncomfortable.
Then, on the wedding night, Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the wedding chamber. Amazingly, there before him was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Understandably confused, he asked what had happened.
The damsel explained that since Gawain had wedded her, he had broken the curse, and so half of the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, while half the time she would be her beautiful maiden self. Moreover, Gawain could choose whether she would be ugly by day or ugly by night.
What a Quandry! Should she be beautiful by day, so he might show off to his friends, or beautiful by night, for the private, intimate moments?
What would you do? (Do not read on, gracious reader, until you have decided.)
Gawain thought a moment and then replied that he would prefer to have her beautiful at night. But she said that she would rather be beautiful during the day, otherwise the ladies of the court would shun her, and she'd have no friends. After a bit of pleading, Gawain relented, and said fine, whatever you want. A puff of smoke, and the damsel explained that since Gawain had given her 'her own way', the curse was completely lifted, and now she would be beautiful all the time.
The Moral of the Story
It doesn't matter if your woman is beautiful or ugly...Underneath it all, she's still a witch!
Copyright © 2000, Andy Borman (Walter Robin). All rights reserved. Contact to reprint.
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